When Edward Meets Sweeney
I don’t typically do this, I mean I’ve never done it before. Y’know, writing this whole extended scene that sort of works itself into the (anti-)fan fic category. (Read as anti-fan fic not anti fan-fic.) Anyway, here’s something silly for y’all to read!
Frou Frou - Holding Out for a Hero
ACT I: At Mrs. Lovett’s Meat Pie Shop
Enters Edward Cullen with his hair in “casual disarray“, purportedly sexay but in fact resembles a bird’s nest after an egg beater swirled around for maximal effect.
Edward
[Soliloquy]: How dare Alice interrupt the heavenly unity between my dearest Bella and I? *slaps hand on forehead, swings head to the side dramatically* Woe! Alice’s inner fashion police be damned! I need no haircut, most of all I need not to be separated from Bella, my sweet, sweet Madonna — though virgin she is no longer — for I am Edward! *runs hand through slightly greasy hair* The gorgeous Edward, the incandescent Edward that oozes absolute perfection!
Mrs. Lovett
Look who is here, can it be…? Mr. Cullen! *bursts into song* ♫ He is beautiful~♫
Edward
Aye Madame, I seek the famous barber of Fleet Street, my *grinds fang* sister demands that I get a hair cut. *runs hand through medium-ly greasy hair*
Mrs. Lovett
Come this way.
Mrs. Lovett grabs a candle and leads Edward upstairs to Sweeney’s barber shop.
What brings you here to London, Mr. Cullen?
Edward
My sister bade me to get a haircut. She said my hair is an abominable canker to the eye and must be trimmed before fleas find niche in them. *runs hand through very greasy hair* Henceforth, she forbade me from coming home until I receive a proper cut. I was so miserable to be parted from my sweetheart for even a second, I ran all the way from Forks to Fleet Street to escape from the damnation of not being with Bella.
Mrs. Lovett
Oh la la, must be one heck of a run *opens mouth, about to burst into song again*
Edward
*cuts Mrs. Lovett off* I am *cough* fond of running. *the memory of running to Alaska after encountering Bella for the first time sprang to mind, AND runs hand through greasy hair once more*
Mrs. Lovett and Edward reach the second floor.
Todd
Lo and behold, is this THE Edward Cullen? Coming hither, for a shave!
[aside]: He sparkles indeed! Oh look at those dark, dark purples circles beneath his deep topaz eyes! He is dazzling… me! *gasps*
Edward
*Listens to Sweeney’s thoughts*
[aside]: Dazzling aren’t I? *flutters eyelashes* *throws head back* *beams widely* Look my teeth sparkles too!
ACT II: Home
Enters Bella and Jacob.
Bella
*prances to and fro in irritation* UGH I AM DEPRESSED ONCE AGAIN! *#$&*#($#!! WHERE IS EDWARD!?!?!?!?! $@#I%(#!! I NEED HIM. NOW. IN BED. WE HAVEN’T HAD SEX FOR 934829308323948 seconds! *fake swoons and waits*
20 seconds later…
Bella
*lifts one eyelid and peeks at Jacob* JACOB! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO COMFORT ME!
Jacob
*thinks about Reneesme* Ummm, what? *sucks thumb and goes back to thinking about Reneesme*
Bella
LET’S FIND A MOTORCYCLE! OR GO CLIFF JUMPING! I’M DYINNNNNNNNG WITHOUT EDWARD~
Jacob
… *thinks more about Reneesme*
Bella
DID YOU HEAR ME?
Jacob
What? Ah… Eh… Umm… Hmm…
[aside]: Reneesme. Reneesme. Reneesme! All I can think about is Reneesme! HELLO, IMPRINTING!!
Bella
*in a seductive whisper* How ’bout you replace Edward for now? Ya know, you are the Twilight to my New Moon, my love for you is only Eclipsed by Edward’s presence. I shall be yours before dawn breaks. *licks lips lewdly* (<- Umm alliteration!)
Jacob
Reneesme’s crossing the street! She may be in MORTAL danger! Gotta go, cya! *transforms into wolf form* *thinks about Reneesme more*
The rest of the wolf pack
*hears his OCD thoughts* Hey Jake, shut it! We don’t want to hear ’bout your new obsession!
ACT III: The Irritation
Edward
*is like one of those incessant customers who won’t shut up about their personal lives, even though no one cares*
Bella with her red eyes is like an angel. Her floral scent encircles my entire being… *runs hand through hair and sniffs hand* She is stunning, ravishing, resplendent, darling, refulgent… blah blah blah
10 minutes later…
… lovely, enticing, and fascinating… “I wouldn’t use the word beautiful. Not with [her] standing [there] in comparison.” (Breaking Dawn, Chapter 5, p.85)…
Todd
Would you like a shave too, sir?
Edward
*too immersed in adoration to hear*
Todd
[aside]: This man is a nut case! I shall run my blade down his smooth marble throat and watch as the last air leave his lungs so he can blabber no more!
ACT IV: Last Act
Bella
[Soliloquy]: WHAT? ALICE JUST HAD A VISION THAT SOMEONE IN LONDON IS GOING TO SLIT EDWARD’S THROAT? MY YUMMY EDWARD? OH NO! MY DEAR EDWARD! MUST PROTECT HIM WITH MY OMNIPOTENT SHIELDING POWER! *whoooooosh runs to Fleet Street*
Sweeney
*figures blade across Edward’s throat to find the best angle*
Edward
*still talking about Bella*
Mrs. Lovett
*brings up a plate of human meat pie for Edward*
Sweeney
*cuts across Edward’s pale, stone throat* *skin too hard, blade cracks and flies off towards the door like a frisbee*
Mrs. Lovett
*opens the door to enter* *blade went straight for her throat* *dies immediately and drops her plate of pie*
Enters Toby from behind Mrs. Lovett with a second tray of hot pie. Sees Mrs. Lovett’s corpse in a puddle of blood.
Toby
*sings to self softly* ♫ Nothing’s gonna harm you, darling, not while I’m around ♫ *picks up broken blade* *slits Todd’s throat*
Todd
I am slain! *drops dead*
Toby
*goes mad and runs out*
Enters Bella from her long run.
Bella
Oh Edward I missed you! I love you!
Edward
I love you! *runs hand through hair and tries to dazzle Bella*
Bella
*is dazzled* I love you more!
Edward
No, I love you even more!
Bella
No, I do! *pulls Edward close and starts snuggling him atop two corpses, two puddles of blood, and two dozen human meat pie*
The end.
—
After writing this, I have a new found respect for playwrights. 
*goes to study for tests* :X
Comments